Raising Cooperative Kids

Often times I hear parents say that they wished their kids would “listen more”.Or, that they don’t listen at all. I wonder if they know what they actually mean… I mean if you explore a little further… do they even mean “listen” at all? Listening is passive, one can “listen” to another without looking at them…everyone listens, unless the sense of hearing is compromised- then listening may be seeing… or taking in information with other senses. But are parents talking about taking in information? On the online website of www.dictionary.com the definition of listening is multifaceted and does include “pay attention; heed; obey”. I find that intriguing. Because “obey” is so different from all the other definitions listed that describe attention to sounds.

Let’s explore the word “obey”. Again from www.dictionary.com: “verb (used with object) to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of; To comply with or follow (a command, restriction, wish, instruction, etc.);(of things) to respond conformably in action to; to submit or conform in action to (some guiding principle, impulse, one's conscience, etc.). So, submit is at the core of obey. Give up one’s will and do the will of someone else. (“Give over or yield to the power or authority of another.” Again, www.dictionary.com.)

Is the act of listening, obeying, submitting only in the court of the listener, obeyer, submitter? To hear parent’s complain, it does seem that children should automatically submit, obey, listen…

I have discovered in life that words have power, what we call things, and how we apply meaning, matters. And the word “listen” as it applies to obeying and submitting gives all the power to the receiver. “Why don’t you listen? I yell, I cajole, I punish, I scold, I remind, I repeat…And yet, you still don’t listen…How many times do I have to say it? What must I do?” Does this feel familiar? The “You” in this example has all the power, and the speaker appears to have none. This is where parents often fall into coercion… because they feel they have no power and the child-listener retreats, ignores, avoids or, fights back with counter-coercion. Eventually, one party submits- after a battle a child might do the thing commanded…or the parent backs down.

When did “listening” actually occur?

Was it when the speaker spoke, or when the listener showed an appropriate response? Is listening only showing an appropriate response? Or, is it way more complicated than that? What parent’s really mean when they say “listen” is “compliance”, and often not just compliance, but “first time compliance”. They mean: “when I say something for you to do, regardless of how I say it, where I am, or what you are doing, you should stop and do what I say.”… Am I right?

Is that really what we want? I often tease that the only human that truly complies the first time with predictability, is a marine, fresh out of boot camp. Or, someone else trained to not hear their own mind and only the words of their commander. I am sure a cynical, tired parent will say..”yes- I just want them to comply with what I say, when I say it, every time I say it.”Then you are well look to the coercive methods of bootcamp. But consider…boot camp has its fall-out in relationship costs- ask a marine. (It is a calling and we are so thankful for their service!) A marine is required to submit their will to that of their commander-without hesitation, without any pause. That behavior is obtained through coercion, intensive training, and after the marine has agreed to submit to this training authority.

But, the rest of us- every other human, and even a marine that is not under specific authority, is in their own head… in their own world. It takes us regular humans a few seconds to a few minutes to change what we are thinking or doing and to move our attention to what the speaker is requesting and even longer move in the requested direction. Check out Dr. Glenn Latham’s (Author of the Power of Positive Parenting) short 8 minute discussion on you tube for a wake up call. https://youtu.be/vkxrHgCrA3A

However..the speaker/requester can improve the probability that the listener will cooperate with the request being made by getting close to the listener, building connection, gaining attention, providing more clear requests, and taking the time to respond to the efforts of the listener. In other words- parent’s you CAN improve the probability that your child will cooperate when you tweak a few things in your expectations, delivery, and response to your listening child…Cooperation is key. (Cooperate: verb (used without object), co·op·er·at·ed, co·op·er·at·ing. to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit. www.dictionary.com) Words do have power.

Take a look at this book - an amazing practical resources for becoming an effective communicator and increasing the probability that your child will cooperate with you.

Raising cooperative kids…isn’t that what we really want when we ask our kids to listen?

Twenty-five years of research went into this book…actual practical skills that can be implemented now to increase connection and cooperation in families.